‘Mood Hoover’

Every client has the potential to challenge me and teach me.  Today, I was taught the term,

‘Mood Hoover’. This piqued my curiosity as I believe myself to share DNA with at least one such person.  I contemplated it’s meaning in relation to the term ‘Fun Sponge’ although I’m not sure they could be considered synonyms as, according to Margaret Atwood, “context is all.”

Various google searches reveal that a ‘mood hoover’ may do any or all of the following, consistently:

·       bring negativity into a group or environment

·       deplete the energy and enthusiasm of others 

·       contribute to poor morale, low performance and a toxic culture.

·       obsess over doom and gloom

Other group members may react with apathy initially and later, confusion.  They may feel impotent to challenge the mood hoover, (who remains in their personal comfort zone), for fear of conflict and reprisal, and in order to protect a sense of equilibrium for themselves and the group.  But if nothing changes, nothing changes.

So, how should one respond when approached and asked,

“Am I a mood hoover?”

As counsellors we’re not here to give advice although I’m often seeking some from the highly esteemed cast of characters in my life:

Original Laura- best friend since high school, senior staff nurse in charge of, “properly mashed up victims of RTAs,” and font of all parenting knowledge, delivered concisely and directly:

“I prefer ‘Mood Dyson’ and it’s high time you vacuumed up your own mess.”

Slee Bags (also a Laura)- lady with whom I lunch, truth seeker, non-conformer, all around reliable good-egg and highly trustworthy:

“You are a SMART Mood Shark, obviously tracking and undermining my every attempt to increase efficiency and productivity, risking the detriment to the experience of all customers, if another team member doesn’t fix your mistakes.  They will likely never dare tell you they hoovered up your shit on their own time.” 

Carlos- husband (introduced to me by original Laura) finance manager for a private multinational company, generator of spreadsheets:

“Yes.  Lighten up you miserable t**t.”  How that’s translated into Mandarin isn’t really his main concern.  A lot gets lost in translation and that’s probably why he prefers numbers to words.

Auntie Amy, sister-in-law (my most normal relative if such a thing exists) and best known for Swiss levels of neutrality:

“I would pretend I hadn’t heard the question and excuse myself to take a phone call.”

John, my supervisor, fellow therapist, lecturer and Celt, reflector on theory:

‘Why are you asking me? Let’s not put my opinion of whether you’re a mood hoover in the way of whether you think you’re one. Is it useful to you to be a mood hoover?’

And then there’s me.

“It sounds as though you’ve been reflecting on how others’ view you.  We could explore the value you place on others’ opinions of you in various contexts.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

In the spirit of context being all – is it forgivable to be a seasonal mood hoover?  Does it necessarily make one a, ‘Scrooge?’ His catch phrase, "Bah! Humbug!" is often used to express disgust with many modern Christmas traditions but not everyone feels anxious about the festivities due to associated ‘reckless’ spending.  SO… ghost of past, present or future?!

Back to the cast of characters…

John, my supervisor, fellow therapist, lecturer and Celt, reflector on theory:

“Always present. In therapy, we encourage clients to return to the here and now instead of rumination (the past) or catastrophizing (the future). Besides, he was a fat bastard so that suits me better. Best not think of the kids under his gown though!”

And that’s where we differ…

How do we understand a client’s present if we don't examine their past?  Should we not support them in their plans for change?  Is the ghost situation like the drama triangle?  I think we all move around it.

The ghost of Christmases past; I hadn’t even thought to dread the occasion.  It had been some years since mum was well enough to travel up North, after all.  However, the first Christmas after she passed away, I was certainly feeling hard done by.  I ate my Christmas dinner and went straight to bed for a while.  My husband checked on me, my dad checked on me. When I decided to rejoin the party, my father-in-law was in the kitchen (making a brew, definitely not doing dishes). My knight in shining armour arrived in the form of a quiet character who has been subtly contributing to my well-being since I was 17.  and he asked,

“Are you feeling any better now, Steph?” 

The kindness he doesn’t often express and I didn’t always see was suddenly very clear in a special, if brief, question. I unexpectedly but certainly felt better and Christmas Days have improved.  Last Christmas I bought him a mug that reads,

“My daughter-in-law is my favourite child.”  We are both extremely smug about this. Not that he’d say so – my mother-in law told me.

The ghost of Christmas past (ish) reminds me of those who are desperately trying to relocate a love of the festive season after a number of bereavements.  So, how long before we stop making allowances for those?  Well, never.  There is no time scale on grief and if Christmas is still triggering, it’s still triggering.

I’d say some of my trickier Christmases involved relatives who stayed for several days… The ghosts of Christmas future would have to be ‘Rob the Joiner’ and Linda Wagner.   Neither a scrooge and both huge fans of acts of kindness (expected and unexpected), who would say (respectively),

“If you’re going through hell, keep going,” because, “Eventually, Steph, they all go home.”

A Christmas Affair

Relatives and obligations are all more present over the festive period.  Inundations of people you haven’t seen for ages and weren’t counting on; last minute rejuggling… These all result in last minute cancellations and complications for people who aren’t supposed to be seeing one another at all…?

How patient can you be with an affair partner over the festive season?  If you are reading from the USA then this includes Thanksgiving.  Specifically, we’ll look at the episode of Friends in which Rachel’s sister declared that there’s hardly any point in dating a married man.  How do affair partners make up for these absences? Yep, you’ll be bought something that cost more than the present gifted to the official ‘other half’. But there will have been expenditure! Ever seen Love Actually?  Is he part of her life in any real way?  Maybe - she certainly wants him to be.  Is the affair partner married too?  Potentially.  Is this something you never thought would never happen to you but more common than you ever imagined?  Certainly. I've genuinely heard this:

"You were messaging this person, then, on Christmas Day?!"  I’m afraid so.  Not much is sacred when you’re dividing your time carefully over the holidays…

In terms of the cast of characters, my friend, Sarah’s mum once advised her,

“Monogamy is overrated and forever is a long time.”

Polygamy is on the rise, in tune with open marriages.  But be careful what you wish for…

It's never what you think you suspect, it’s what you can prove.  Should you try to prove it (validation) or ignore it (avoidance)?  Because you won't stop it.  If you want to prove it, checking phones/laptops is low rent these days.  The mileage on the car is harder to manipulate. 

Bereavement, Repose & Egg Sandwiches (4)

The plight of a long-term client hit home with me when a number of relatives/ relatives of friends were lost in quick succession.  One asked a relative,

“Are you going to go and see him?”  Response,

“No thanks.  That’s just you and the Irish.”  My mother bequeathed me a very sizeable Irish family, so here’s my experience:

I was with my mum on countless occasions when I thought she might die and when she almost died.  On the night she actually died, she was alone.  The only option, if I wanted to ever see her face again, was to see her in repose. 

I cried all the way from Leeds to Derby and bizarrely, put on a full face of makeup in the bathroom at the funeral directors. It was definitely crooked but I don’t think she noticed.  I read her my personal eulogy which never saw the light of day again and collected some of her belongings.  I can’t remember if that was before or after I forced myself to read her post mortem (GOOGLE every, second word or hope you know a doctor).  There was nothing untoward.  I walked into that situation knowing.  However, I’d set myself a precedent.

I’d inadvertently taken the Magnus, Magnuson approach,

“I’ve started, so I’ll finish.”  But I wasn’t fully committed.

When Uncle Joe was ill I stayed up through the night with my cousins who were watching over him on a vigil.  I was dedicated to supporting my extended family. I didn’t want him to die until it was clear he was going to and then I wanted it to happen quickly.  For a man who couldn’t bear poor time keeping, he kept us waiting and then missed a very important rugby match.

They keep it quick in the Emerald Isle so I flew out with my husband quickly.  I knew exactly where to find Uncle Joe… or so I thought. 

Where would you keep a reposing body in March?  In the conservatory, obviously.  Colder than all the other rooms.  Should there be a break in the clouds, the perpetual light will surely shine down?  WRONG.  Looking for my Auntie, I waltzed into the living room with a freshly poured glass of white wine (which I was lucky not to drop before my cousins Vinny & Marion came to assist).

SO, if you want to know… dead people are generally the whitest shade of pale you’ve ever seen and they won’t look like you remembered them alive.  You could be forgiven for wondering if you’ve been sent the wrong one. They might have lost a lot of weight if they’ve had a long illness.  If you touch them, they are absolutely stone cold.  BUT – you can talk to them for as long as you want because you kinda get used to it after a minute or two.  Most of all… it’s ok to cry, even if no one else is. 

Everyone deals with grief in their own way.  Overall, I feel privileged to have had those last opportunities.  Most of my mum’s family have observed this ritual all their lives.  I’m still a novice.  But I did surprise myself.  24 hours after almost spilling my drink on my beloved uncle Joe, I was sitting back in the room munching through a tray of egg and onion sandwiches, courtesy of the women of Leixlip and Auntie Mary’s recipe.

Cast of Characters:

L. Mac

Mum & Uncle Joe

Auntie Mary

Cousins Conal, Natasha, Vinny, Marion, Jim & Shane